growing up

As many of you know I just turned 34. I sat down the other day to write about how good I felt and how more of myself has come out in my 30s. I did not finish; and as I sit today I am not so sure of what I had written. So I will start again. Funny how one day you can be so sure of yourself and one little thing can take you back to being 10 again. As many of you know, and I am sure can tell from my writing, spelling and grammar are not my best attributes. I have greatly overcome my issues because of the computer and hard determination. I didn't really read until the third grade and spelling was something I would practice and practice and still fail in. I did so well in everything else that I guess red flags never came up. My mom was always so crushed when I would come home with a failed test. We would study nightly, it was stressful for us both. As an only child I hated disappointing my Mom. I had my first and only fight on the playground over one of my pre-spelling test when a girl in my class called me stupid. I was named the "eggbeater" after the fight and for the most part the kids left me alone. Over the years I have been laughed at and mocked. I am so nervous that even when I spell a word I know, I check and double check, change and erase. It was not until collage that a professor specializing in development and specifically learning disabilities took me aside and told me she wanted to do some test with me. Much to my surprise I was not stupid. My IQ was on the high side however, my brain and the way I organized things was a little off. I had what she called a space related disability. Reading in columns and the spacing of words, along with a few other things caused confusion to my brain. She gave me a few tools, but was stoic in saying that this was just going to be a difficult hurdle I would need to learn to compensate for. The history I have given brings you up to speed to yesterday. I have a fairly new job with the church. It is a part time job and I job share with another woman. Over the weekend I wrote a letter to the pre-school parents regarding separation anxiety. I checked and doubled checked. Jason read over it and thought is was brilliant; he found no mistakes. When I came into work my assistant director, with the door open and Jason standing with us said as loudly as you please "honey I don't want to be mean but you need to let me proof your stuff because you need the help" she went on and on. I smiled kept my composure and asked what I had misspelled and found I had simply forgotten an apostrophe. Wow she made a big deal over such a small thing. If I were at home I would have gone into the bathroom and not come out. But at work and as her superior I simply smiled said thank you for catching the mistake and moved on in the agenda. Later that day I decided that instead of crying or getting in a fight and reclaiming my nick name the "eggbeater" I would handle things like a grown up. I shut the door and told her how glad I was that she was such an excellent proofreader. I explained to her the things I just told you. I also told her that I had many gifts and there would be times when my gifting would notice, and need to correct her failings. I promised her to take her aside and gently point out her mistakes without shaming her. I asked her to please in the future do the same with me. I told her that God obviously had his hand in putting us together, and I with out a doubt knew her gifts would be a blessing to me. She agreed to be softer in the future. I did the correct and Godly thing and in my heart I know that what I said was true. As the day went on my gifting came out. A girl from the office had to go to the hospital and I was the one that best handled it. That night at home group I had a man tell me he has never heard a woman pray or talk about the Bible the way I did. He said the men in the group confused him at times but when I shared my perspective he understood. After all that I wake up this morning kicking myself. I am not perfect . I will walk on this earth with many failings. That needs to be ok with me.